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Me and my Pregnant Body

Here I was in a pregnant body - pregnant with twins. And no kidding, I was almost as round as I was tall. I felt E-N-O-R-M-O-U-S, a heffalump in a woman's body! My body image during pregnancy hit an all time low. It was enough to give me the pregnancy blues because I hated my pregnant body.

I needed to restore my body confidence FAST !

Now you see all the happy pictures further down on this page? I felt like none of those! No instead I felt more like this .... Part of me was excited at the miracle going on in my body... I'd been converted into an incredibly sophisticated incubator, nourishing my growing twins.

But for someone with huge body image problems (even before I fell pregnant), this my body image during pregnancy was a disaster. My pregnant body with it's swelling circumference filled me with fear. I felt the size of an elephant... gross and huge.

In shop windows I saw a waddling wobbly woman dressed in a tent. Mirrors arrested me either in awe at the miracle or revulsion at my size.

As for sex... well I have to fess up to using my pregnant body as my excuse for, “Sorry, darling not tonight”. But really - it had far more to do with my body image during pregnancy and the resultant images that my body critic was giving me day in and day out.

Seriously, all I could envision was crash, crash, splinter, splinter as the bed collapsed under my hugeness. So sex was out! In fact, touching me was out!

And the idea of getting naked in front of my husband terrified me. I couldn't help thinking if he saw me, he'd take off at a run, and um not towards me either. Unlike this happy couple - I had no desire to be desired.

Looking back now, I realize something I had no concept of back then - he was far more likely to leave me because of my paranoia and my fear than my body. I hated my body - he didn't! Poor guy!

Years later we had a conversation and I said something to him along the lines of: "But you hated me when I was big." He didn't hesitate for one moment before letting me have the truth: "No, YOU hated YOU when you thought you were big. What I hated was how you changed at these times!" He hit the nail squarely on the head!

I was a misfit in a pregnant body

Oh... and what to wear??? My breasts had grown so much - it was like walking around with my own personal airbags up front. Buttons straining, and um sometimes popping. This did absolutely nothing for my body image during pregnancy, except shred it.

I desperately wanted to lose that weight my hormones were packing on so fast. I desperately wanted my before pregnancy body back.

In addition, I felt as if I was a misfit in my own body, like I was a failed expectant mother because I hated every bit of pregnancy. (Sorry it's true... I feel almost traitorish even saying that because I've had people look at me with total shock and horror as they proclaim with wide-eyed wonder that they "LOVED it"!)

I hated:

• the nausea and tiredness that came with the first trimester,

• that I couldn't shave my own legs,

• waddling when I walked

• people petting my stomach

• and then I hated every growing centimeter

.... except for those most incredible magical moments when I’d feel life kicking and temporarily (but alas only very temporarily) develop amnesia about my body-hatred.

I worried constantly:

• How am I going to loose all this weight?

• Will my stomach ever be normal again?

• When will I ever fit into my normal clothes again?

I constantly tested hubby's perceptions of my changing body, wanting his reassurance. But, this was a minefield for the poor man. I was sooo ultra sensitive that there wasn't much he could say about my pregnant body without an emotional outburst.

I fell into the group of women who, being heavily invested in my body, found my ever-changing pregnant body traumatic and difficult to handle. Sadly, I just wasn't one of those all natural mothers who really got in touch with, and loved, my pregnant body. Instead it felt like my body had been invaded and I had absolutely no control.

What I wish I'd known

Years later I was writing an article for FitPregnancy magazine on body image during pregnancy and interviewed a few gynecologists. By the way, if you're struggling, sign up for our fabulous and free self-esteem building exercises here.

Dr. Carol Thomas, said she often sees women undergoing a transition she thinks of as ‘The Madonna Syndrome’. First she’s the slut, the sexual symbol and the icon on stage and eventually she becomes the Madonna with child. Oh my, how I wish I'd spoken to her years before... just knowing that how I was feeling wasn't so abnormal would have made me feel better.

And here's then Irene Borquin child-birth and postnatal educator and author of ‘The New Practical Pregnancy and Birth Book said what I wish I'd known about my body changes during pregnancy: "pregnant women need to know what is ‘baby building’ versus ‘fat building’."

If you struggle to take off weight after delivery, there are various pregnancy weight loss secrets that can help you.

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